Friday, 29 November 2013

Calling The Doctor. (part 2)

*Insert sound of Tardis materialising here*

There! See! Bang on Friday afternoon, just before dinner time. Ahh good old reliable tiny hammer, you’ve got me out of a few scrapes over the years haven’t you. Aren’t hammers brilliant? You’d be amazed at what you fix with a small hammer. I remember once The Master told me I used it to fly the Tardis with. Ridiculous statement to make, although I suppose he was right, in a way. Still that’s all ancient history. Oh, and duct tape. Yes, duct tape is fairly handy too. Don’t go anywhere without duct tape and a hammer I say.

Anyway, I told you we could go straight to Friday evening from Monday morning didn’t I, and here we are! Go on, have a look if you don’t believe me! . . . See! It’s definitely Friday out there, look at all those people with their mad weekend grins. They look like a bunch of clockwork androids I had a run in with once. Still never mind that, we’re on a mission remember?

Chops! That’s right, lovely chops covered in brown sauce, oh and chips as well! Chips are brilliant too! Chops and Chips, or chipped chops and chips, or chipped chops and chips from the chip shop. Ha! Try saying that fast three times! Actually I’m not sure chip shops do chops. Maybe they should. Why don’t chip shops do chops? Chops in batter. Ooo that does sound nice, let me write that down, where’s my notepad? Have you seen my note pad? No? Ah well don’t worry, I’ll just remember it cos I’m brilliant! Have I mentioned that I’m brilliant? Right then off we go then! Come on catch up!

Friday Fanfare

It's not is it? . . . It bloomin well is you know. It's The Blessed Friday! Huzzah huzzah and thrice huzzah! I know I've said it before, to be fair I've probably said a lot of things before, but this week has literally galloped by like horse chasing a cheetah. (What? That could happen!) I've said this before as well, but brace yourself, cos I'm gonna say it again! It really must be true, that all weeks leading up to Christmas, aside from the last two which take an age, really do seem to run down the mountain stream of time a lot faster than normal. I know I can't be the only one who has noticed how quickly this week has gone. Still I suppose the wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing is relative to the perceiver.

Well since Friday is here we may as well make it the very best one we can hadn't we. So fling back the duvet, scamper to the bedroom window, throw open the curtains, open the big window, lean out as far as you can, raise both your arms and shout "WAHEY" as loud as you can. Then maybe have a little Friday dance on your way to the bathroom. It doesn't matter if you say you can't dance, everyone can dance, it's just that everyone's idea of dancing might just be different to yours. So enjoy yourself and have a little boogie anyway. Maybe later you could ring a dance teacher, just so you can legitimately say "Excuse me, do you have any slots I can fill?" (Stop it! You're just making your own jokes now, you mucky individual)

Still, whatever you are doing today remember this. Today the day is yours, it's up to you how you have it. So why not try and keep that smile on your face for as long as you can. And if you see someone who seems like they are not having a great day, seek them out and try as best you can just to raise them a smile. (Although I wouldn't always advise tickling, tickling can get you into trouble) If all else fails just go straight in with a hug. Nobody can be uncheered by a hug. Even those people who say they don't like hugs secretly really do.

So go forth and spread some Fridayness my gift wrapped bundles of sunshine. Happiness and smiles are highly contagious and needs only to be passed on to create a wonderful epidemic.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Thank you

As Brits we tend to turn our noses up at things that we say have become too 'Americanised'. It's like it's a dirty word for all celebrations that we feel have become too commercial or brash or over-the-top. But there is one celebration which is more than a little Amercian, although it's roots are French Canadian actually, that I would love if we as a Nation decided to embrace and that is Thanks Giving.

If you didn't already know, every fourth Thursday in November in America is Thanks Giving Day. A day which which stems from things involving Pilgrims and Puritans and bountiful harvests from the previous year. Although today is kind of celebrated like an extra Christmas, with turkey and presents and families getting together. Firstly of course, who wouldn't want an extra Christmas every year, a sort of pre-Christmas Christmas if you will. Plus it's also a time when you get to sit down and actually thank those people that mean a lot to you, for everything they do. Call me a sentimental old fool if you wish, but the idea of it all just seems to appeal to me.

So without further ado, I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you all, for being the wondrous packages of awesomeness you all are.

Thank you.

Thanks so much for being you,
Just the person that you are,
Thanks, merci, and danke,
bless you, cheers and ta.

Although you may not know it,
I wanted you to know,
I appreciate all you do for me,
in all my highs and lows,

Thank you for just being there,
Thanks for straying true,
Thanks for the kind things you say,
and all the kind things you do,

Thank you muchly from my heart,
Of which you own every gram,
And thank you for accepting me,
Just the way I am.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Well tuck my t-shirt and call me Mr Darcy if it isn't Wednesday already. I must admit I am feeling a little naked this morning. Fear not I'm not ACTUALLY naked, I wouldn't want to put you all off your breakfast, merely in the metaphorical sense, as I seem to of left the house without my watch on. Silly I know, I'm sure there's loads of people who don't actually wear a watch and manage quite well.

I mean let's face it almost everything electronic has a clock on these days, so it's not like I'm not going to know what time it is. Unless of course I just leave the building and go aimlessly wandering about. (It could happen! Wouldn't be the first time!) Of course if I did, and I wanted to know the time, I would have to do that really awkward thing that is probably very rare these days and actually ask a stranger if they had the time.

Always awkward that, as no matter how the question is asked it always seems to sound like a chat up line. For this reason alone, if ever you find yourself in the situation of wanting to know the time when you are without any gadgets to tell you, it's always best find the oldest person you can to ask. Admittedly they will probably say something like "Oooo no dear! I haven't had a watch since 1968 when my Albert died, God rest his soul. Go no need for a watch when you get to my age dear. Lovely man my Albert, always made me a cup of tea in bed every day no matter how busy he was or how much of a rush he was in. He always made me tea and made time for me, and do you know . . ." At this point it's probably best that you interrupt the old person, as they will now assume they can talk at you about their entire life stories. So best go and find another old person who looks like they may have a watch on. The point being is that you can feel safe asking the time from someone of advanced generations without it sounding like you're to trying to offer them a good time. Unless of course that is your intention, which is of course your business.

Still, where was I? Ahh yes, left my watch at home! Wrist looks a bit odd without it to be honest. Still better go, look at the time!!

Call the Hugulance!

Hello to you, you gem encrusted sparkling ray of sunshine! Welcome to yet another 'The Tuesday'. To be honest it's not as cold as I thought it might be today. Yesterday I was led to believe that this morning and the rest of the day today was going to be a very chillsome experience. Turns out, it's not that bad really. I wouldn't say it was warm of course, I mean I wouldn't grab a t-shirt and a pair of flip flops, but it's certainly not the coldest morning we've had recently. Although it does look like it might try and drizzle a bit later on. So that's your weather for today, thank you for listening to the in depth weather report on TTV.

Well thankfully apart from the weird milk arrangement and cryptic door signs for no apparent reason, the rest of the day didn't really hold any more weirdness. Mind you I wouldn't of been to shocked if it had, we all know how bizarre things and events seem to be attracted to me for some reason. I'm sure there must be a reason for it, who knows maybe one day I'll discover what it is.

So never mind me, how was your Monday? Pass by quite quickly again did it? I knew it would, they always do. The weeks seem to just fly by on the run up to Chrimbletide. That is until you get to the two week away point, when days seem to turn into weeks and weeks feel like years. Still we're still a little way off from that patch of 'treacle time' as I call it.

Right well, I won't keep you no doubt you've still got a lot of getting ready to do. So do wrap up a little warmly and if you need a hug you know where I am. The Hugulance is on stand by and ready to burst into action should the need arise . . . Actually that would be a really great service to offer wouldn't it? An 'emergency hug' phone number that you ring when in dire need of just a cuddle. Then someone rushes to where ever you are and without saying a word just gives you a really tight squeeze no questions asked and then leaves so you can get on with your day. Hmm food for thought there I feel.

Still have a good one! See you little tinkers tomorrow.

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Someone call for a doctor?

"Well hello there to you! Aren't you looking lovely this morning!? No need to answer that, it was a rhetorical question. To which the answer is a resounding "YES I blimmin' well am". So am I you say? *hold hands against his chest while looking himself up and down* Well thank you. Yes I suppose I am, now you come to mention it. Bow ties are cool you know. I haven't seen you in donkeys years! . . . Incidentally how long is a donkey year? . . . Oh and what year is it at the moment? I was heading for 1992. Great year for music 1992. Snap - Rhythm is a Dancer, Kiss - God Gave Rock and Roll to you 2, Erasure and their Abba-esque EP. Not to mention Supermarioland by The Ambassadors of Funk . . . No? . . . Oh . . . Ok, I won't mention them then. Brilliant song though, so there.

Sorry? What? It's 2013! Oh pants I'm out by a mile! Dam. I think the Navigation system might of got a bit tangled up with the dematerialisation circuit. I hate it when that happens. . . Where's me hammer? . . . I swear I used to have a little hammer hanging around here for just such occurrences. Sorry about this, the place is a bit of mess at the moment. What day did you say it was by the way? Oh. You didn't. I haven't asked you that yet have I? Sorry. I can be very confusing when you've just have a great big dinner somewhere and all of a sudden it's now breakfast time. Oh! it IS breakfast time! I love breakfast. In fact that's one of the best things about having a time machine. You never have to wait to have breakfast. Got any bacon? I love that stuff, I mean who doesn't love bacon ay? Tell you what, there's an awful lot of intergalactic wars that could of been avoided if they could of had a bacon butty. Can't believe of all the millions upon billions of worlds in this universe, it's only the Earth that has pigs, and so has bacon! So unfair.

Oh it Monday is it!? Tuh that's rubbish that is. What can you do with a Monday. Aside from have a bacon butty, obviously. I'll tell you shall I? The best thing you can do with a Monday morning is just skip it and travel straight to a Friday afternoon! Come on then, come in, with me. Chop chop! . . . Ooo now I fancy a chop. Hmmm I big thick chop smothered in brown sauce. Have you got any brown sauce? No, you're rubbish! Perhaps we could aim for somewhere around Friday dinner time. Someone is bound to having chops somewhere on Firday. Right then tally ho and off we go then.
Ahh there's my hammer!"

*Insert sound of Tardis dematerialising here*

Monday, 18 November 2013

The Beast of Monday

Monday looms before us. Once again, we wake from our restful slumber in the fetal position, rising slowly from the warm comfort of bed with the expression of a grumpy toddler, seemingly only able to walk like one as well. While making the weary grunts and snorts of communication that are normally used by a teenagers. Yes it seems our minds have to go through most stages of development as we try to wake up and make our way to bathroom where our final transformation into who we try to be takes place. No more so than on the most dreaded of all days . . . The Monday.

Yes I know it's dark, I know it not very warm and the scaremongering forecasters are constantly telling us how much worse there is to come. Don't give into it, rise above it and just take each day as you find it I say. There is a great quote which actually says: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Wise words indeed I think, especially for the foreboding Monday morning we're all facing.

So fear not my little bushels of loveliness, we shall conquer the Monday Beast that over shadows us. The day will fly by as most Monday's weirdly seem to do, and it won't be long before we feel like we're back in control of what may lay before us. Together we shall vanquish the fears and loathings of the day and stand proudly having gotten through the murky start of this brand new week.

Friday, 15 November 2013

The Tale of the Cookie Thief

"We're very sorry, but due to leaves on the line the train to Brighton will be delayed by another 48 minutes" came the muffled voice over the tannoy. Joining in with the united sigh that went around the platform, a woman who had already been waiting for 20minutes for her train, decided that she would nip to the station shop and buy herself a book for the journey. After finding a suitable read from the shop, she noticed a little kiosk selling bags of hot, fresh mini cookies. Tempted by the sweet smell wafting from the stall she purchased a bag and found a bench to sit on.

She was already engrossed in her book but happened to see, that a bright blue-eyed man with a jolly face, who was sat beside her, as bold as brass, grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between. Being British, and not wanting to cause a scene, she tried to ignore the fact that this cheeky git had just nicked her cookies.

So she carried on munching the cookies and watched the big station clock, as the gutsy cookie thief continued to diminish her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would knock his block off”

With each cookie she took, he took one too, then when only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie from the bag and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he popped the other half in his mouth and ate it. She angrily snatched it from him and thought to herself, 'The bleedin' cheek of this guy! He has some nerve, how can anyone be that rude! He didn’t even show any gratitude!'

She'd never known when she had last been so cross, and sighed with relief when her train arrived. So she gathered her belongings and headed to the train, refusing to look back at the thieving git.

She got on the train, and sank into her seat, then she lent down to find her book, to carry on reading. As she reached into her bag, she gasped with surprise, there sitting just underneath her book was her still full bag of cookies.

If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his, and he tried to share them. It was too late to say sorry, the train was pulling away from the the station. She glared out the window to the place she had been sitting. There, still sat on the bench was the large man with the friendly smile and the glint in his eye. Seeing the look of horror of the woman's face the kindly stranger just chuckled and waved to her as the train left the station.

Do have yourselves an awesome weekend folks.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Stood before the Dragons

Good morning you little beauties! Friday Eve already you say! To coin a well know catch phrase, "I don't believe it!" (Said in my best Victor Meldrew voice) Honestly, if this week had been a mammal, (prepare yourselves fact fans) it would of been a cheetah. If it had been a fish, it would of been an Indo-Pacific Sailfish, and if it had been a bird it would of definitely been a peregrine falcon. It has certainly flown by at any rate. Just one small Friday Eve to get through, before the countless blessings of the Blessed Friday may begin.

Anyway, today I come before you like a trembling inventor in an abandoned attic, about to stand before the Dragons on Dragon Den. My invention? It's really very simple, (remember you saw it here first folks!) The DreamScape Pillow©. Yes this very comfortable ordinary looking pillow holds hidden technology. Underneath the brushed cotton case are an array of 12 electronic sensors that read the brain's activity overnight as you dream. The really clever part, it that it actually translates these electrical impulses back into the vivid pictures and sounds of your dreams, then stores them in a small hard drive in the centre of the downy soft pillow. Then, using a simple USB port, you can plug your DreamScape Pillow© into your computer or tablet, download your dreams and view them again and again at your leisure! This is ground breaking technology of course and won't be available until 2016, (probably!?) So don't expect to see the DreamScape Pillow© in stores this Christmas.

I thank you for your time.

*The DreamScape Pillow© brought to you by the mind that created The Blower© (pronounced like shower) for those times you need to get dry in a hurry, and The Cat Nav©, so you always exactly where you cat is, no matter where it is.*

Sunday, 10 November 2013


Silence is an absence,
Silence is profound,
Silence is a conversation,
Being had without sound,
Silence is an expression,
One that can't be heard,
Silence can't be spoken
Although it's still a word
Silence is a presence,
Of great nothingness,
Silence can be something,
And yet ceases to exist,
Silence can fill a room,
Yet have no mass at all
Silence can't be dropped,
But you can hear it fall,
Silence is a mystery
That will forever go unsolved,
Silence is how every sound,
Can swiftly be dissolved,
Silence is the sound of rest
The only sound that can sound best
While other sounds can cause great pain
Silence is not the sound to blame
For silence is what silence is
A something that is nothing,
A nothing that still exists.
As if to tell us something.

Friday, 8 November 2013

Friday Fanfare!

Well hello to you, my tantalizing strumpets of opulent allure. How the Arthur C. Clarke are we? I must say you are looking simply divine once again this morning, you look amazing in that! No, seriously you do!

Ahhh can you feel it? It's in the air isn't it, it's all around. The joyful excited whisper that can only mean one thing. It's time for The Blessed Friday once again. Yes that's right, once more the brightly gift-wrapped parcel of the week lays almost opened on our laps. The ribbons of Monday and Tuesdays have been carefully untied shed, the many layers of Wednesday and Thursday's dazzling paper have been painstakingly removed and put aside, so we can use them again. So now there's just it's cardboard flaps that are about to be excitedly torn open, to reveal a brand new scintillating weekend inside for us to play with.

So let's not waste one tiny morsel of this Friday, let's bring our best smiles out and present the world with an enormous hug. I think we all know that hugging actually has medical benefits by now, it has been scientifically proven to actually lower blood pressure and reduce risk of heart disease. True fact! Of which I do know many!

For instance, did you know that the extra skin on your elbow that acts a bit like playdough is actually called the wenis. Yes I know sounds a bit rude. So you would be quite safe going up to someone and offering to show them your wenis! Haha! Also, on the slightly disturbing note which I seem to of once again taken, did you know that until 2001, Disneyland workers were not allowed to wear their own underwear while in costume. They all had to wear company jock straps which they had to return at the end of each day. Now there's a job you wouldn't of wanted, being responsible for washing all those under-cracker knacker packers!

Right well, it's time to release you into your own Fridays, so skip when you can, smile when you shouldn't and bring as much joy as you can possibly muster to as many people as your able. Because if we can do our best to make just one person smile, it will make them feel like they want to make someone else smile too.

See you on the flip side lovelies.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

The Glass of Water

Once upon a time there was a psychology teacher, and every week he used to give talks to his students on various aspects of modern psychology. This particular week he walked slowly around the stage as the auditorium filled with students.

Finally the chattering stopped, the bags and rucksacks stopped rustling, the coughing died down and silence gripped the hall. The teacher then looked up and smiled, then walking over to the lectern raised the glass of water that was sitting at the side as if he was going to make a toast. Instead he kept it raised above his head and said, "Can you all see this glass of water?" At this point of course all the students expected they’d be asked the typical “Is the glass half empty or half full?” question. They wasn't. Instead, with a smile on his face, the teacher asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Various answers were taken from the assembled student who all raised their hands to have a guess at how heavy it was ranging from eight ounces to a two pounds!

Then after gathering quite a few answers the teacher replied, “From my perspective, the weight of this glass doesn’t really matter. It all actually depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I held it for an hour, the weight might make my arm ache a little. If I then held it for an entire day, my arm would likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. Although in each case, the weight of the glass hasn’t actually changed, it's just the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

The class murmured and nodded their heads in agreement, he then continued, “Your stresses and worries in life are very much like this glass of water. If you think about them for a little while nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to ache a little. Think about and dwell on them for a whole day, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed by them – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them."

"So what I'm saying to you all this morning is . . . try not to worry about what's going to happen in the future or how your entire life will pan out. Don’t even worry about tomorrow and the stresses that it might hold. Just live through today first. Let go of the need to try and manage the whole of your future. If you manage to do this, even in a small way, you can free yourself to live your life and actually enjoy the journey along the way.”

Do look after yourselves, and each other.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Remember the 5th of November?

Remember, remember the 5th of November . . . Ah yes, I remember it well. Wrapped up so tightly in jumpers, coat and scarf I could bearly walk and the thrill of actually going out somewhere after dark, plus I got to wear my wellies. (All children love wearing wellies, that's just a fact) The cold November night air numbing my cheeks as I walked towards the recreation ground with my blue woolen gloves holding tightly onto my mums hand, because I still had a healthy fear of fireworks and didn't like getting too close to the action. Walking nearer and enjoying the novelty of watching each breath hang in the chilly night air in a swirling cloud in front of me. Then watching as it snaked and spiraled it's way towards the orange glow of the street lights way above.

Ahead over the treeline, the distant sounds of hundreds of people gathered together and of children laughing and screaming start to be heard. Through a narrow twitten, slightly overgrown with brambles, where we had to walk in single file. So I had to cling even tighter to my mum's hand so I didn't lose her in the bustling throng of people at the other end of the confined alley. Then out the other end and into the loud mass of the crowds that were starting to gather around the temporary orange roped fence.

The rhythmic hum of generators and smell of cooked onions wafting across the dark field from the hot dog vans that were parked around place, mixed together with the sweet odour of toffee apple and candy floss stalls. A feast for all the senses. Then staying near the path that ran around the edge of the field we patiently waited.

The flickering glow from the enormous bonfire which had been built like a tower and was now a roaring inferno was warming my face as it crackled and spat at the far end of the field. Then the sound of someone speaking indecipherable words over a tannoy interrupted the general throng and silence broke out across the still starlit night. Waiting, knowing that soon the fireworks would start. Waiting . . . then with a deafening 'WOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHH . . . BANG!' they started.

The first one always made me jump, and although excited I was still more than a little scared by the noise and the spectacle. As each one was let off one after the other I would nervously laugh and look to my mum and say something like "hehehe that was a loud one" pretending I was actually very brave about it all, but my tight clinging hand in hers revealed the truth.

Ahh yes, bonfire nights are lovely indeed. So do go and make some memories of your own tonight should you wish, and stay safe out there people.

Friday, 1 November 2013


Ahh there you are, oh parcels of bountiful plenty, oh bringers of unbridled joy, and indeed portrayers of abundant comeliness. I doth my stove pipe hat and perform an overly theatrical low bow and welcome you, to your very own Blessed Friday. Yes dear readers of blogs best forgotten, it is indeed Friday once more. Once more, the pale sunshine of the working week has made it's way across vast expanse of leaden skies, to sit nestled on the horizon of the weekend like a golden mother hen dutifully attending her clutch of soon to be hatched eggs.

It's true this week has definitely had it's challenges, it's stresses, it's moments of despair, and it's fallen trees. But now that glimmer of hope, that seemed so far away on Monday morning, is about to burst into a spark and ignite our hearts, setting them ablaze with the care free joy and overflowing well of happiness that a Friday brings.

So fling off the shackles of the working week, discard the chains of obligation from around your shoulders and skip into the flaxen sunshine of the approaching weekend. Yes it may still be drizzling outside, grey skies may still be the theme that the painter of the mornings is going for, but behind those quiet clouds the sun is still burning it's message of jubilation to come.

Have yourselves the best possible Friday you can, smile more, frown less, find time to laugh, turn up some music and dance, sing along to your favourite tune with all your heart and go give someone a hug, for no apparent reason. For an unannounced hug, with no reason behind it, other than spreading a little love are always the best kind.