Friday, 28 February 2014

The Return of The Blessed Friday

Well buff my trumpet with a Tufted Titmouse and call me Jemima, if it hasn't gone an metamorphosized into another Blessed Friday once again. This week really has flown by like Swifty McSwift the swiftest Swift in the International Swiftest Swift competition. This whole week has literally been a blur of business busyness and demanding deadline deeds. So the arrival at the wagging wafty tail end of the week comes with even more of a sense of serene satisfaction than normal.

So toss back the duvet, spring out of bed and fling open your bedroom curtains in the altogether. (strange place to keep your curtains!) Then open the window and shake all your pronounced wobbly bits to world, while shouting at the top of voice "MORNING WORLD! HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU!".

Now I can't speak for you, (bet you're glad about that!) but this week, despite the crazy work shenanigans has really been rather nice, aside from once again acquiring weird overnight injuries on Wednesday night, and the whole frog herding exercise in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Yes, despite even those things, there has been an air of contentment and calm over the past week, that has been really rather enjoyable. Let's just hope it spills over into next week as well I say.

So take a long deep cleansing breath in everyone, puff your chest out as far as you can get it, then have yourself a well earned very loud stretch and an over exuberant yawn. For today is Friday, a day of frolics and feisty fun, a day to slap a smile on your face and just leave it there for all to enjoy. A day of unanticipated jollification and joviality. So whatever you do with yours today, make it count, and make it a good one.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

The batrachian escapade.

Good Sirs and fair gentle lady folk, I am very much in rapture with the way you are working it, and I should very much enjoy the opportunity to place it in a bag and bloomin' well take it away with me. There. I've said it! Yes, you're all looking bloomin' fabulous this morning! . . . Even you! . . . Yes you! Yes, even with what you're wearing at the moment! In fact, now I think about it, especially with what you're wearing at the moment. And if you don't mind me saying, you all look good enough to jolly well eat! Nom nom nom nom nom.

I'm sorry, I do apologise, I seem to e channeling the Blackadder incarnation of Hugh Laurie this morning. I fear I have been watching far too much of it recently, and it seems it has rubbed off on me a bit. *Bites knuckle to avoid making obvious lewd pun about something rubbing off on me* Right, get a grip Tidy, and I don't mean that in any salacious manner either before you start!

In truth, I am actually feeling somewhat tiredly this morning, having had a difficult start getting to sleep last night. All was well and normal as I put down my book and switched off my bedside light last night. I was more than ready to be welcomed into the arms of Morpheus, and was settling down into the steady breathing pattern of nod. Then at around midnight, I heard a puzzling commotion from out on the landing. It sounded like one of the cats was heavy footedly careering about with a dogs squeaky toy! There was the the repeated thumping of paws scampering at speed and then a long, drawn out squeak. Wanting to know what in the name of arse was going on, I decided to get up to open the door and have a look.

What greeting me was an overly excited look of glee from the smallest cat and as I looked down a rather terrified large frog. So I did what any man would do in this particular situation. I switched on the bedroom light and said, "Steph! There's a frog on the landing and I'm not sure what to do about it." The frog at this point weighed up his options and made a huge leap towards me and the relative safety of the bedroom. After I had made it clear to the Awesome Lady T that the frog in question was very much alive, by failing at my first attempt to catch it, I managed to gently cup my hands around it's fat slimy body and lift it up. I then safely released it back into wild, by opening the bedroom window with the frog in my pajamas. (yes yes I know there's lot's of scope for humorous replies to that statement, I purposely left out the punctuation for you.) Fear not though, frogs can survive falls from greater heights than a second floor window! Especially when a good aim lands them gently in the greenery of the raised vegetable plot by the greenhouse. In fact, as early as 1683 in the Norfolk village of Acle there was a heavy shower of toads and most of those survived that fall. Besides I did hear it hop off when it landed, so all is well.

So suffice to say, after that little escapade the realm of sleep seemed to evade me for quite some time. So I come to you this Wednesday in a slight state of fuzzy-headedness. Still there is still the peak of the week to conquer before we slide towards the weekend once more.

More coffee needed me thinks. Right well, I better scoot, don't ever change, and I'll see you all tomorrow.

Monday, 24 February 2014

The Tuesday Cometh

*whispers* Morning! Well you'll all be pleased to know, . . . well most of you will be pleased to know, . . . okay, maybe some of you will be pleased to know, . . . tuh! *rolls eyes* okay, a small handful of you will be pleased to know that I managed to survive my brush with the Office Dementors yesterday. I didn't even have to cast my Patronus Charm at any point, which if you didn't know takes on the form of Bernard Cribbins. I managed to keep my head down, and just quietly beavered away all day, while keeping my peripheral vision locked onto them should they have started to drift across the office towards me. Of course if they did, I suddenly found that I had to visit the loo, or attend to one of the printers, or even make the tea. So thankfully any questions were then aimed towards my colleague who sits next to me. Phew! By the end of the day, or to be more accurate, by the time they left the office, which was around half three, I had become like a stealthy and silent office ninja. They'd close in on me only to discover when they got to where I was, I was no longer there.

Still, another Tuesday beckons it long taloned finger towards us and I'm afraid we do have to go and join it for what will no doubt be another gripping adventure involving using all new levels of tolerance, patience and stamina. Still, face it we must, and if we all stick together and lean on each other when we need it most I'm sure we'll manage to get through it by the skin of our teeth once again.

Interesting phrase that, it's origins actually come from the Bible! Job 19:20 says: "I am nothing but skin and bones; I have escaped only by the skin of my teeth." Now we know that teeth don't have skin, of course, so I guess the writer may have been alluding to the teeth's plaque ridden surface or simply to a minute measure - something that might now be referred to, with less poetic imagery than the biblical version, as "as small as the hairs on a gnat's gonad".

Right, well, I best stop lollygagging and start busying as they say. See all you cherubs tomorrow.

The Visitation of the Auditors

Good morning wearing pilgrims of life's bumpy road. Alas the weekend has passed, and along with it the restful realm of half term. Yes indeed, on the night before, a Monday's dawn, many many moons ago. When I was young, and you were even younger, (Okay, so this does only apply to some of you, but it sounded nice) it would have been the evening when mother Tidy would have uttered those immortal words that strike fear and dread into the hearts of any like-minded children everywhere, "It's schoolyooly in the morning!".

Yes, I'm afraid the holiday is over. (Unless you live in Wales) So, like the poet Marshall Mathers once wrote: "Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity". Although I do have more reason to dread today than even those returning back to work/school. I must admit there is a distinct air of nervousness wafting around the office this morning. (wafting airs of nervousness are never usually pleasant) You see today, for more or less the whole day . . . We have . . . The Visitation of the Auditors. Which, by the way does sound like an awesome title for a cheesy 1950s B-Movie.

They solemnly wander in at around 9:00am, and one of them goes and sits behind a desk writing things while another of them drifts around the entire work place silently looking at things and occasionally writing notes on a large official looking clipboard. (General rule of thumb here, always be weary of dour people carrying clipboards) Then one of them at some point, suddenly appears behind your shoulder while you're sitting at your desk, usually when you're least expecting it. To ask you all kinds of difficult questions about how you go about doing things, and what you would do, in various work based situations. Then with no clue as to if what you've said is right, and with the scribble of pen upon notepad they are gone, without saying a word. They're kind of like the office equivalent of the Dementors from Harry Potter. Officially of course, they're just going to be here to check up on our working practices, that allow us to have certificates in quality and environmental excellence. Still I'm sure the ambient temperature definitely raises by quite a few degrees once they finally leave the building at the end of the day.

Wish me luck, this Monday may well be a long one.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

The visitation of the Malady Goblin.

Good morning dearest folk, I trust you are feeling chipper and above board, it being Friday Eve and all?

Sadly it seems either the Plague Fairy, or the Malady Goblin has paid a visit to Tidy Towers. Mid-afternoon yesterday the Glorious Lady T was taken ill and retired to the master bedroom high in the South Wing. There was involuntary shivering, blooms of overheating, and griping stomach pains. Which she described herself as being as if "shards of glass were passing through her intestines". I myself was unaware of these turn of events until I shuffled through the door at my usual time, which if you're wondering is precisely 5:09pm. Normally at this point I would go and perform my ablutions for the evening in the Mater Bedroom's en suite facilities. However, being informed of Good Lady T's current condition I crept upstairs to see how she was. Upon my arrival I was greeted with a small groan and total darkness where she had shut out the last of the evening daylight.

I didn't fuss, Lady T doesn't like to be fussed when feeling under the weather and she asked if I wouldn't mind perhaps waiting to freshen up until after dinner. So leaving her to her pit of sickness, I joined the rest of the family in the main drawing room. I suppose we all, act differently around the ill don't we. I must admit I am fairly useless in any kind of nursing role, plus the outfit looks terrible on me! Number one son, although a very caring soul, likes to take the jovial approach to illness in the family, and makes announcements like "So Mum's got the plague has she?". Number two son, actually does the exact opposite and suddenly becomes very caring, thoughtful, and helpful, which is only to be encouraged. After our evening meal, without the presence of Lady T, he helped clear the table, he even put his plate in the dishwasher, then he even offered to take up a glass of ice to the patient in quarantine! He doesn't always show it to the best of his abilities, but number two son does have a heart of gold deep down.

Still, by the time I headed up the wooden mountain to Bedfordshire, Lady T, although still not well at all, was feeling a bit brighter in herself, which comes as a relief to all the residents here at Tidy Towers. We shall of course do all we can to ensure her rapid recovery.

Still do look after yourselves, and I'll see you all tomorrow.

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Close Encounters of the Bitey Unkind

Well hello, good morning and good day to you! May precipitations of felicitations shower upon you all. Yes, much like an anxious baby rabbit emerging from it's burrow on a late Spring morning, Wednesday has arrived. Praise be indeed to the coming of the peak of the week.

There is still that lingering air of calm relaxation about this half term week that I am really enjoying, as I trust are you. Although this morning I did find myself slightly perturbed by the appearance of, what I call, a R.O.I, which stands for a 'Random Overnight Injury'.

Yes, I have suffered many of these such things over the years, and myself and the Good Lady T like to jokingly put these down to me constantly being whisked off by the little grey fellas with the big heads, so they can perform experiments of a scientific nature upon me. With the way my brain seems to function, I can certainly see why they should want to check it was working okay. I think the most impressive of these injuries, was the morning I awoke to discover three perfectly straight cuts in the small of my back, which looked to all the world, exactly like a tiny three-pronged plug had been inserted in there. It was really quite sore, but we still found it funny at the time.

This morning's R.O.I has manifested itself in the form of what looks like a tiny row of tooth bites across two of my fingers that has actually punctured the skin. The upper row of teeth being on my little finger, and the bottom row on my middle finger. (See attached photo above) Now, I don't mind being metaphorically beamed aboard passing interplanetary scientists crafts, so they can learn things and make new discoveries, but if they are just going to beam me to bite me on the fingers they can jolly well sod right off!! The rude little gits!

Still, aside from being a bit sore I don't seem to be any worse for wear for my R.O.I. Sadly I don't seem to acquired any superhuman powers from the bite either, well none that I've discovered so far. If any do materialize you'll be the first to know.

Do have yourselves a wonderful Wednesday, and be careful out there folks!
Remember, the truth is out there!

Monday, 17 February 2014

There's Something About Monday

Morning beautiful people! Especially YOU! Yes, great big Carly cuddles for YOU this morning, you definitely look like you could do with one! . . . to tight? . . . Sorry, I am a bit of a squeezer when I get going!.

Well, I don't know what it is about Monday night's, but as soon as dinner is done and the dishwasher has had it's tablet and is busily scouring away at the tableware, (Here at Tidy Towers, ours is a very short, round Mexican lady called Rosamelia, who has been with the household staff for many many years) my just brain switches off, and I sort of go into power down mode. A sort of human version of Standby. I'm sure we all come home a bit work weary most days, but for me, just recently Monday night's have been especially so. As soon as my pert cheeks reach the armchair, I'm battling to stay awake. Maybe it's just a sign of getting old, who knows!? Although I'm not like it the rest of the week. Maybe there is just something about Monday evenings that is intensely soporific! Unless of course, I'm actually the only one who seems to fall under the hypnotic sleepy spell of Monday evenings? Maybe Monday evenings are like my Kryptonite?

Still, the tangled web of Tuesday is upon us already. See! I did say Monday wasn't going to last very long didn't I?! Even if the evening did try and induce me to sleep! So that's one day down and only four more to go, and for those that a battling at the rocky north face of Half Term, well done! You've made it through another day relatively unscathed.

Still one must trundle onwards I suppose, and face the repellant ramifications that 'The Tuesday' has in store. Here's hoping that in this quieter week, the normal unanticipated calamities will have less of a sting in their tails . . . hmm . . . interesting phrase that, surely when we use it we must be referring to whatever it is being like a scorpion or maybe a stingray? I certainly can't think of any other animal that has an actual tail with a sting in it? If you can, send your answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Ahh well, see you all tomorrow, same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Monday Reflections

Good morning to you all, and a 'very special' good morning to all those of you who, despite it being half term, still have to sneak quietly out the burrow to toil in the fields all day. Yes I fear, despite lot's of people taken a well earned rest over the coming week with their children, (Yeah right! Like half term with the kids is ever relaxing!!) Monday has pushed it's buttocks onto our faces, and has proudly broken wind once again.

Once again it seems, the weekend has passed us by, like the fleeting sound of the soft beating wings of a flock of starlings. Still, we've probably all learnt things over the weekend, as we normally do. This weekend for instance I've learnt that the self-scanning shopping experience at Waitrose isn't really that time saving. I've learnt that there is a new breed of Iguana from the Galapagos Islands that for reasons unknown to science is pink! I've also learnt that the smallest city in England is in fact The City of London. Plus, I've also learnt that "JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!" and of course if you decide to travel through the abandoned radioactive city of Chernobyl, you can do a lot worse than choose the Dacia Sandero.

Still, despite Monday's normal eruption, we can all feel slightly more relaxed about this coming week. For even if we are among those who will still be ferrying to and fro from our places of labor, the roads will be quieter and there will be an air of calm repose about the normal proceedings. Monday, much like the third pint on a night out, will pass through us relatively swiftly. It's a well known fact by now that Monday's, with all the feelings of dread that come with them, all seem to be a lot less painful than we initially feel they are going to be, and never seem to last very long.

So why not have yourself a good one! . . . Well okay, a relatively less painful one that you thought you might.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

All you need is love?

Hello! Good morning, good day and salutations mes petits beaux anges. Yes, as you probably ALL know, today is not an ordinary day. Today is a very special day indeed. Today is the day where we can openly gambol about like spring lambs. Where we can wander about with a silly smile permanently fixed to our joy filled faces. Where we can be free and open with our feelings, and can tell those that we love, just how much we love them, and even tell those whom don't know we love them, just how much they mean to us. Or maybe just remind those who know we love them, that we still do. Yes, that's right, today is THAT very special day . . . it's Friday.

Of course it just happens to be Valentines Day as well, and so the subject of love must be addressed. As the poet Mr John Winston Lennon once wrote: "It's easy. All you need is love". However, I think he was wrong. There really is nothing easy about love. Sure it's easy to FALL in love, that's just a release of chemicals made up of a small protein called 'oxytocin' or 'the cuddle hormone', (yes really!) that is composed of nine amino acids. It's produced in the hypothalamus and is then released by the pituitary gland. It causes us to desperately want to go and talk to the person that has triggered this chemical to be released into our brain, even if the very thought of it, causes our hearts to race and our palms to begin to sweat. You're nervous and excited in equal measure, but the draw towards that person is too strong. It's futile to try and fight it. So really falling in love couldn't be easier!

It's afterwards that our emotions and thought patterns gets in the way. You worry that you're coming on to strong, so you back off slightly. Or you worry that you're not coming on strong enough, or showing enough interest, so you overdo it. Or sometimes you worry that, the other person can't possibly feel the same way about you, that you feel about them. Yes, being in love is sometimes the most emotionally draining and difficult experience of our lives. Of course it doesn't ever stop being difficult either. Sure the emotions change, the bonds become stronger, but the difficulties change with it, and the challenges take on different forms, but essentially it's still not what would be described as easy.

There are of course times when it does appear to be easy, you're both just ticking along, full of smiles and giggles, seemingly without a care in the world. But we all know that underneath it all, when things are buoyant and happy the human brain likes to play mind games with us, and starts to try and convince us that something awful is bound to happen sooner or later, because that when those kind of things happen.

Still, as difficult as love actually is, I think we can all agree on one thing. We'd much rather have it and experience the difficulties, than to be alone without them. So if you're one of those people who do like to jump on the Valentines Bandwagon, then do have yourself a blissfully joyous one. Although do spare a thought and a great big cuddle to those that find this day of the year the hardest to get through. We all need to feel a bit of love from time to time, especially those who think they'll never experience it. So whatever you're doing today, do it with love.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

The last word on the weather.

Long deep cleansing breath in . . . and hold it . . . keep it there . . . and cough and splutter and exhale. Welcome ye one an all, to The Friday Fringe or Friday Eve depending on your preference. Well we've all made it this far, so no point in turning around and trying to go back now, even if we could. Which we can't. Although why you would want to if we could is beyond me. Unless of course you have previously experienced an absolutely blissful day for some reason this week, in which case, fair enough. Although I doubt that will be very many of us this particular week.

Yes, the words of the song say "Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'", but that doesn't mean it doesn't make us feel slightly better to do so. Personally I think we're all just about sick of this weather, even if we haven't been dramatically directly affected, like those countless thousands of poor people from other parts of the country.

Let's face it, it's depressing! The whole country is under metaphorical storm cloud of gloom, as well as an almighty actual one as well, and frankly I'm fed up with it! Every day we're just sitting and waiting for the next storm front to roll in, and then have no choice but to watch all the misery it causes on pretty much any terrestrial tv channel we happen to be watching. I'm doing my best to ebb the torrential flow of despondency, but it isn't easy. So I'm now going to be setting up a dam.

In as much as I'm dammed if after today's little cloudburst of complaint, I'm going to be talking about this particular cruddy bout of meteorological misfortune. I'm dammed if I'm going to give in and let it get the better of me and get me down anymore. And I'm dam sure I will carry on doing my best to try and stick smiles back on as many people's faces as I possibly can.

So let's make a stand people, let's hold our heads up high and let's sprinkle a little joy wherever we can. Let's keep our firm British stiff upper lip in place, and as the poster says, let's all just keep calm and carry on. For even if the tidal waves of depression threaten to engulf us, we can always rise above it and walk on the sunny side of the street.

Do look after yourselves, and each other.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

'The Tuesday' by Edmund Blackadder

Well cram me full with dumplings, and slap me across the chest with moist halibut called Gerald. If it isn't 'The Tuesday' already! Well I must say, that Monday really didn't hang around very long did it? It hardly had time to take it's coat off and wipe it's feet, before we were physically turning it around throwing it's coat at it and pushing it back out the door. Quite right too, you don't want a Monday draping itself about the place, like a teenage sloth who has just consumed an entire pack of Diazepam. Good riddance I say!

So like a fresh bloom of flatulence in the face 'The Tuesday' has arrived. Along with it's proud boast of being the most long, drawn out, and frankly mind-numbingly irksome day of the week. Darn you 'The Tuesday'! *shakes fist to the sky* Yes, one can only wonder at what pristine species of arse awaits us on this, the longest day of the week. No doubt there will be the boundless joy of the usual servings of constant precipitation throughout the day, which will only add to our naturally sunny disposition. Plus of course there will be, the almost guaranteed, added bonus of at least one cretinous simpleton who will find some astounding way to make our day even more monumentally hellish.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh though? Perhaps I should study a leaf out of my Friday diaries, and find the pinprick of joy that there is to be had on this the birth of a new day. Perhaps I should dance and skip like a mindless nincompoop, around a bushel of fresh flowers in a flannelette nightgown and lace nightcap while singing "Oh what a beautiful Morning". Perhaps I should just pretend that everything will be better than I think it's going to be. Sure, I could do that, but underneath it all I would know that I was fooling no one. We all feel the clammy grasp of 'The Tuesday' when it's upon us, and we all know that during the course of the day some form of freshly laid excrement will undoubtedly hurl itself against the ventilator of our day.

So my best advice for us all today is to keep our heads down, avoid all unnecessary contact with dimwitted morons, and be ready to deal with whatever bucket of buttocks that is placed in our laps.

Monday, 10 February 2014

Breaking up with Monday.

"Monday! Come here, I want a quiet word with you."

"Look, I don't quite know how to say this, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I have to be honest with you. I know we do this every week, week in and week out, no matter what. But the thing is, I'm really just not in the mood for you today. Basically what I trying to say is, as far as I'm concerned you can just go and do one!"

"To be honest, you turn up at this time every week unwanted and uninvited and just expect me to do your bidding from first thing in the morning until my head hits the pillow last thing at night, and I'm fed up with it!"

"Just recently, it's been like I'm just not quite ready for you to just turn up. I mean, I've still got unfinished business with my weekend, and yet every week you still turn up and expect me to just drop everything, no matter what it is, and just entertain you and your demands!"

"Well not today, not anymore. I've had enough!"

"I don't want to come across as mean and ungrateful for your company or anything. I know there have been times, when we've even had a good laugh together. Don't blame yourself, it's not you, it me! I've changed and I just think we ought to spend some time apart. Maybe just for a month or two to see how things go?"

"The thing is, I've just got the point where, just the sight of you gives me a feeling of dread, and that can't be a good thing for either of us can it!? So I think it's best in the long run if, starting from today, if fact right now, you just make yourself scarce and just leave me alone. I really hope you understand. It's not been easy for me to tell you to be honest, but it needed to be said."

"Goodbye Monday. Do look after yourself. Let me show you to the door."

Thursday, 6 February 2014

Friday come home!

Huzzah good people! Huzzah all you naughty people too! (You know who you are!) For the Blessed Friday has arrived. It may of arrived like a previously lost large, damp, shaggy and slightly whiffy dog, that has been missing for days and has finally found it's way back home. It's bounded through the door, clearly very excited to see us, while wagging it's tail and bottom furiously. Before proceeding to try and wipe itself dry around all the furniture, then jumping up onto the sofa to wipe itself on there too, and leaping down into the middle of the room to give itself a good shake, spraying everyone in the near vicinity with wet dog water. We really should be shouting at it and telling it off, but our anger is halfhearted as frankly we're overcome and overjoyed at it's arrival back with us to.

Yes indeed, let's welcome the Blessed Friday back into the fold. This week has certainly has it's challenges, the weather has continued on being incessantly foul, or incessantly fowl, if you happen to be a duck. And there's yet another promise of more disgusting meteorological monstrousness on the way in the form of a storm called Charlie! Yet despite it all we can still hold on to that Friday feeling all day, knowing that the weekend is now but hours away.

So do try and stay safe and warm over the weekend. Let's not forget that with disgusting weather comes the opportunity to wrap up, snuggle and be cosy. Who doesn't like a good snuggle!

Bloody weather!!

Raindrops on roses, and raindrops on kittens
So stick on the kettle, there's no need for mittens
Storm winds and puddles, so tired of these things
I'm bored of this weather and all that it brings.

The garden is flooded, there goes a fence panel
With strong gusts and downpours, let's go grab a paddle
Each day just promises more of these things
It's getting depressing, let's don rubber rings.

You're not safe on pavements with drive-by splashes
Soaked to the skin, getting cold noses and rashes
The wettest of winters, all waiting for spring
Just praying for sunshine and the hope that it brings.

When the storm breaks
When the rain stings
I'm left feeling sad
I can't remember what nice weather is
Why must it be so bad

Monday, 3 February 2014

'The Tuesday' has started

Hello, good day, good morning, bonjour, goeie môre, and indeed dzień dobry to you all. Glad to see that it looks like we've managed to shake off that nasty little Monday. It wasn't very pleasant, but as is the case for most Monday's, thankfully rather short lived. So 'The Tuesday' awaits us, with it's promise of being the longest and most sufferable day of the week.

I must admit, my 'The Tuesday' hasn't started on the best note. And apologies to all those having their breakfast, particularly those who are currently enjoying a nice bowl of Weetabix, and have just got to that nice mushed up part of devourment, as that is what I'm about to tell you about looks like. (READER WARNING: If you are enjoying said breakfast at the moment, you might want to skip this and the next paragraph.) I arrived downstairs this morning to discover one of the cats had been extremely ill, all up the hallway. Cat's when they are ill are very much the same as dogs it seems. In as much as they don't firstly feel the need to go outside to be ill, and secondly don't seem to want to do it in one place. For some reason, best only known to animals they prefer to be ill, walk a few steps forward and then be ill some more, and then repeat this process until they have finished. I'm really not sure what they are trying to achieve by doing this other than to show in length of trail just how ill they've been.

So after laying down a trail of kitchen towels to indicate the contaminated areas and reporting it to the Fine Lady T (I can't deal with the stuff I'm afraid, I would only add to the mess myself if I tried) I made my way towards the front door leaping from one un-tissued spot to the next like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade when he was trying to spell out the name of God. It was then that confusion set in, as I noticed in amongst the piles of tissues was a small bag of lettuce! I can only assume that the cat had somehow found a small bag of lettuce and decided it looked good enough to eat, even if their stomach didn't agree with them! (Surely animals, or any living thing for that matter, don't actually hanker after lettuce do they? Don't get me wrong, I do like a bit of iceberg with my salad, but I wouldn't say it's a food stuff which I actively get excited about.

Still, the mystery of the small bag of lettuce aside I'm sure you'll agree not the best start to a 'The Tuesday'. I do hope you have a better start to yours.

Sunday, 2 February 2014

The leaving of the weekend.

There's no getting around it, Monday is upon us. It has arrived. Once more it seems we must wave a tearful farewell to the weekend, as it slowly departs by train from the busy platform of life. We do briefly run alongside it's carriage as it's slowly makes it's way along the platform, waving it off as we do so and telling it that we love it and that we will see it again soon. Sadly and all too soon, the train audibly moves up a gear and we struggle to keep up with it, all the while just longing to look upon the weekend's face for just a few seconds more. Then, as we knew we would, we run out of platform and have to stop and just watch as the train trundles off into the distance, with the weekend still frantically waving and blowing kisses from it's window. Then the line bends round to the right and through a tunnel and it's gone.

Alone and bereft we find ourselves slowly shuffling back down the long empty platform to the loud crowds of the terminus ahead. Lost in a world own, and thinking of all the good times we spent with the weekend. We smile to ourselves as a fat tear rolls down our cheek. It seems to take hours as we reach the bustling hubbub of the station concourse, surrounded by people, yet feeling all alone, as we lament for the weekend who is no longer by our side.

As another trains pulls in with a hiss of brakes, we snap out of our trance and wipe away the tears telling ourselves we're just being silly, it's only a week after all. Before we know it, five days will pass, and the weekend will be by our sides once more. Then just as we gather ourselves and start to take purposeful steps towards the exit, we hear running feet behind us getting nearer and nearer and then skidding to a halt. We turn and see a long, pallid face attempting to smile but only managing a sneer. "Hello again!" it says in a very nasally voice, "Remember me!? I'm Monday. I've come to keep you company AAAALL day!" It then breaks into a laugh which is mostly made up of a series of snorts, which gives the overall impression of a pig being tickled.

So we look Monday up and down, take a deep breath and just sigh as we slowly make our way out of the station, doing our best to ignore our pestering companion.