Thursday 27 March 2014

To err is human . . .

PHILOSOPHICAL PHURSDAY: In 1711 the English poet Alexander Pope wrote the lines "To err is human; to forgive, divine", which if nothing else is darn good quote to be remembered by, and let's face it, he's probably not far off the mark. I mean I'm sure we've all seen things when we think to ourselves, I don't know how I could forgive something like that! And how often do we hear the phrase 'Forgive and forget'? The thing is, it’s fairly easy to say it – although meaning it is quite a different matter.

A most people can just about manage the forgiving part, but struggle with the forgetting! The trouble is, to forgive someone properly you have to let go of whatever the wrong was, and not hold onto it. Just saying the words is only a tiny part of the answer, you have to actually mean it. I'm sure all of us can relate to carrying around a large grudge that's gone on for far too long. This is just how we are built, so the truth is, as long as there are relationships of any kind, there will always be a need for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, even though sometimes it gets mixed up with acceptance, which while important, isn’t quite the same thing. For a lot of people, being able to forgive someone properly actually allows us to truly move on and get over the thing that was causing us pain. A life lived without forgiveness, is a life of real pain for those involved.

Forgiveness is important for everyone, regardless of your age or level of hurt. Everyone probably has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive someone else for. So how do you take a step forward, even when deeply hurt, to take charge of our lives so it is possible to forgive?
One way to look at it is seeing the past as the present, and the future too, because past emotional wounds, can infect our present and the way we carry on in the future. If you were hurt by someone, you may carry a grudge, even if you're not overly aware that you're doing it, or be so hurt that you are psychologically ready to be hurt over and over again.

For example, someone might say something that they consider not very important, but you can't help but interpret it as yet another dig at you! You are the walking wounded, and so the past becomes your present. Yes, you are hurt, but that wound will carry on hurting you all the time you leave it open. If that person is aware that they have hurt your feelings and says sorry, it makes it easier to let go of the hurt, because that person has done half of the healing work. But, what if that person doesn't even know that they've hurt you!? It may be in your interest to find a way to forgive them anyway – and let it go of it.

Sometimes it’s best to actually go up to that person and let them know that they have hurt you (at least from your point of view). You may well get some understanding from this, or you might get some over defensiveness. But you still will need to find a way to let it go and move on. Doing something, is far better than doing nothing and letting the situation fester.

So what if you discover that a person is actually purposely trying to hurt you, and won't stop!? At this point you may need to forgive yourself for letting that person get under your skin so badly. There are tried and tested ways to handle a bully, but it is difficult to be effective if you're just feeling hurt.

We are all wounded by people and words at some point in our lives. Countless people carry emotional wounds with them every day from the past. Many of these wounds can actually determine how people feel about themselves for the rest of their lives.

So how do you break free? There is no easy process but, who wants to be held down by the past? Forgiveness, like grieving, has its stages. You go through denial, bargaining, anger, depression and finally you come to acceptance. Forgiveness is a lot like grieving. The important things that we need to forgive don't come easily.

First, you have to acknowledge that you have to forgive. Carrying old emotional crap around is simply a weight that zaps the pleasure out of life. Let’s face it, we are not on this earth forever, and sitting there being a victim all your life it not anyone’s idea of fun.

Knowing that you have a hurt that needs healing is only a first step. You also have to deal with real feelings of anger and resentment. I often think that the word ‘FAIR’ is a four letter word, too many people can't get over just how 'unfair' life is. Such pain, what’s the point!? Life is unfair at times, but it is also filled with amazing love and happiness too.

Forgiveness is ultimately a gift to yourself. It allows your wounds to heal. Ultimately you have to forgive yourself for holding on to resentment for so long. Sometimes we just have to take the moral high ground for ourselves. Even if this means forgiving someone who doesn’t even think they need forgiving.

When you accept what has happened, vow to try to not let it happen again, forgiveness is possible. There comes a point where we have to draw a line in the sand and say it’s times to let go of all this hurt and anger that I'm feeling. Even if that means we sometimes have to say sorry ourselves to the person who we feel has caused us the hurt! Surely it’s better to do this and get the boulder of forgiveness rolling, rather than just letting it crush us, because we aren’t prepared to budge our opinion on who was right and who was wrong in any given situation. It will make you feel free so you can better enjoy life in general and move forward in a better state of mind.

Do look after yourselves and each other.

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